After investing heavily into the pregnancy test section of any store available, this September I was finally able to walk in one last time and thank God for the two pink lines I so desperately hoped to see over the past nine months. So many emotions rush when you see the lines as any mother can attest to once seeing them and especially wanting to see them. So you can only imagine that I wanted to tell my family, express my joy with my church family and friends. There is so much joy in a child, how can you not celebrate the rejoicing of the anticipation of one?
I wanted to be careful in my excitment, cautioned my joy, and prayed to God for every single sign of pregnancy I could think of. Exhausted, sick, and hormonal I began to let joy overflood me and though still hesitant felt that small voice, "Faith is the evidence of things hoped for, not seen." Letting go of fear, but still not ready to let go of the fear, I started to let others in on our precious secret..until "safe". Our children were so excited. Liam made pictures for the brother he wanted to share his room with, told me how he would hold the baby in his bed, and Natalie would change the baby's diapers and she also had a baby in her belly but not until Sunday. Rebekah pointed to her belly and said baby. So much joy in sharing family joy with your children. We planned where we would put the carseat and how if the kids had anything that had a set of four the other one would be for their new brother (Liam is determined that he would have a brother).
Still, an uneasiness had settled in the pit of my stomach and telling others I just wasn't ready for. So we kept it to ourselves as much as we could, I slept over 12 hours a night so it wasn't very difficult.
We had decided to not wait to go to the doctor's because we just thought it was better that way. But I finally decided at about nine weeks, I was ready to see my baby's heartbeat.
I had told my family, after the ultrasound we are in the clear and we can tell everyone, we just need that heartbeat. We got to the hospital and we were so excited in our great anticipation and then I remembered I need to be scared, I need to be nervous, something is not right. It was like a huge weight (and wait) in the bottom of my stomach, and my joy was shoved down because it was such an uneasy feeling that I felt. We went in to the room and very quickly the warm goop was on my belly and the thingie went across my stomach and then I saw baby's head. Thank you Jesus! We made it!! And then that moment was shattered as I could tell by the technician's face and the lack of movement, there was no heart beat. There was no movement, there was no little picture moving up and down symbolizing life in my baby. I was very quickly done my ultrasound and began the long wait to confrim that my baby didn't make it.
I cried and cried and cried, hoping it would diminish the pain that I felt so badly. I didn't want to go through this sadness, this loss, the realization that the last doctor who stated my worst fear was right. No, this was a baby I saw him, I saw his arms, and legs, and a head, though only as big as a grape there was a baby. I couldn't live with this. I couldn't tell the kids, the ones we had told, its too hard, too painful, too sad.
As I walk through the sadness of my loss in this moment, and cry, and ask all the what ifs, or what should have been, what could I have done, and put all of our joyful hopes on hold, I have had a desire to tell others about this child. I so badly wanted to tell all of you and felt halted because I didn't want to tell others about the loss. I felt conviction, how do you not rejoice in the hearing of a child, how do you not share with those you love, make pictures, and plan, and love immediately. So I am writing only to really say, that we have a child that will never cry, never hurt, never get sick, or ever face sadness. His name is Baby Silas and he is with Jesus. Please rejoice with us as we celebrate his life with us, his anticiaption we shared, and the joy he has in his Daddy's arms for eternity.