"If no one is accusing you of being too legalistic, then you probably aren't living a holy life. If no one is accusing you of being a bleeding heart, then you probably arne't loving enough. If no one is accusing you of being too dogmatic, then you probably aren't standing for the truth. If no one is accusing you or criticizing you, then you probably aren't doing anything significant."















Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Baby Silas

After investing heavily into the pregnancy test section of any store available, this September I was finally able to walk in one last time and thank God for the two pink lines I so desperately hoped to see over the past nine months. So many emotions rush when you see the lines as any mother can attest to once seeing them and especially wanting to see them. So you can only imagine that I wanted to tell my family, express my joy with my church family and friends. There is so much joy in a child, how can you not celebrate the rejoicing of the anticipation of one?

I wanted to be careful in my excitment, cautioned my joy, and prayed to God for every single sign of pregnancy I could think of. Exhausted, sick, and hormonal I began to let joy overflood me and though still hesitant felt that small voice, "Faith is the evidence of things hoped for, not seen." Letting go of fear, but still not ready to let go of the fear, I started to let others in on our precious secret..until "safe".  Our children were so excited. Liam made pictures for the brother he wanted to share his room with, told me how he would hold the baby in his bed, and Natalie would change the baby's diapers and she also had a baby in her belly but not until Sunday. Rebekah pointed to her belly and said baby. So much joy in sharing family joy with your children. We planned where we would put the carseat and how if the kids had anything that had a set of four the other one would be for their new brother (Liam is determined that he would have a brother).

Still, an uneasiness had settled in the pit of my stomach and telling others I just wasn't ready for. So we kept it to ourselves as much as we could, I slept over 12 hours a night so it wasn't very difficult.
We had decided to not wait to go to the doctor's because we just thought it was better that way. But I finally decided at about nine weeks, I was ready to see my baby's heartbeat.

I had told my family, after the ultrasound we are in the clear and we can tell everyone, we just need that heartbeat. We got to the hospital and we were so excited in our great anticipation and then I remembered I need to be scared, I need to be nervous, something is not right. It was like a huge weight (and wait) in the bottom of my stomach, and my joy was shoved down because it was such an uneasy feeling that I felt. We went in to the room and very quickly the warm goop was on my belly and the thingie went across my stomach and then I saw baby's head. Thank you Jesus! We made it!! And then that moment was shattered as I could tell by the technician's face and the lack of movement, there was no heart beat. There was no movement, there was no little picture moving up and down symbolizing life in my baby. I was very quickly done my ultrasound and began the long wait to confrim that my baby didn't make it.

I cried and cried and cried, hoping it would diminish the pain that I felt so badly. I didn't want to go through this sadness, this loss, the realization that the last doctor who stated my worst fear was right. No, this was a baby I saw him, I saw his arms, and legs, and a head, though only as big as a grape there was a baby. I couldn't live with this. I couldn't tell the kids, the ones we had told, its too hard, too painful, too sad.

As I walk through the sadness of my loss in this moment, and cry, and ask all the what ifs, or what should have been, what could I have done, and put all of our joyful hopes on hold, I have had a desire to tell others about this child. I so badly wanted to tell all of you and felt halted because I didn't want to tell others about the loss.  I felt conviction, how do you not rejoice in the hearing of a child, how do you not share with those you love, make pictures, and plan, and love immediately. So I am writing only to really say, that we have a child that will never cry, never hurt, never get sick, or ever face sadness. His name is Baby Silas and he is with Jesus. Please rejoice with us as we celebrate his life with us, his anticiaption we shared, and the joy he has in his Daddy's arms for eternity.

3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for you loss and your familys loss. But I know that you rejoice in the fact that he is with Jesus and you will see him again one day. He is waiting on the other side with other loved ones to welcome you home when your time comes. But until then I am sure he wants you to live a full and wonderful life raising his brother and sisters while he watches with a smile and love from above.

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  2. jenniferwood500@msn.comOctober 30, 2012 at 1:29 PM

    So sorry for your loss and the sadness and many emotions you, Pat and your family are experiencing. Know that you are not alone, so many have faced what you are going through. The Lord does not make mistakes and only He knows why He has decided that Silas needs to be with Him. Be comforted knowing His heavenly Father loves him and holds him tightly in His arms until one day you will reunite and hold him. Lord, thank you for the gift of life, although short, that you blessed the Ward family with and may you continue to bless their family and comfort them in their time of pain and loss. In Jesus Name, Amen.

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  3. Liz reading this brought back memories of a time when I lost our little baby Caleb. I know the feeling you described of knowing that something was just not right. You want to be excited but keep fighting that bad feeling. Loosing an unborn child deserves the grieving any other family member would. In time the emotions heal but to this day I think of our little Caleb sometimes. I wonder what he would have looked like and been like and how old he would have been. (22 now I think). But I look forward to the day that I will finally get to meet him. Maybe our little Caleb and Silas are playing and worshipping the Father together. At any rate I am praying for you that you will know God's peace and love during this time.

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