The term loved has taken new meaning for me over the past week. I have truly learned loved and how to love through the many events that have taken place in my life this week. About a month ago I found out I was pregnant after having been told not to get pregnant again, our family rejoiced as we were going to welcome a new life into our home to love. Last week I lost the baby. We cried as a family and we rejoiced as a family all at the same time.
Once receiving the phone call that it was over anger flooded my body, frustration overwhelmed any sad emotions I had. I could not control this situation no matter what and it wasn't going the direction I had so hoped it would. As I cried that evening all I could ask God was why. I was okay with the way things were going, why did I feel His voice leading us in a direction, why did I feel like it was okay to be pregnant again and what could possibly be His purpose in all of this. I just want to sit down with God and seek His heart and have His love fill my spirit. Instead I felt like dirt, like my face had been smashed. How dare I. How dare I think that the God that died for me, died the most painful death imaginable would be unkind to me, would not have my best interest at heart. Forgive me Father for being so selfish.
As I think about our little baby in heaven it was a life for such a short time but God holds each and every life in His hand and if that is true than our baby has the best Father/Mother. Way better then I could ever strive to be. God has a purpose in everything and if we believe that then we have to trust that admist the trials we are in.
I miss my baby. But I know that God loves me and He knows what is right for me, I know that He wants me to have children, that desire has only increased. I am so excited for our family and the passion that He is giving us for children regardless of how we have them.
I rpay that our family is a ministry to those children in need and that we can teach our children the grace of Christ that He so lovingly gives us and we so undeservingly receive through Him.
So how are we? We are Loved.